Dear Diary, I am still suffering from delusions that you are a real person. My doctor says I have to stop addressing you at the beginning of all my journal entries but I just don’t want to!
We have discussed at length about how you don’t resemble a person in any way whatsoever. Apparently you need legs, arms and a head at the bare minimum to qualify as a person. I asked him about handicapped people in wheelchairs, you know amputees and such and he ended the session early that day complaining of a “migram” whatever the heck that is.
I just don’t know about this doctor, he seems like a bit of a flake if you ask me!
Always going on about headaches and stuff, I think he’s the one who should be getting his head looked at! What do you think Diary? Yes, me too!
Which brings us to another point we, the doctor and I, talked over a few weeks ago. Namely, if you’re not a real person, then why do you answer my questions with a reply of your own? Doctor was really not impressed by that, in fact he looked kind of mad, then he gave me a small piece of candy to eat and I don’t remember anything for a while after that. I woke up a day later and my head really kind of hurt. I think there was something physically the matter with it but I could not check as the kind nurses wrapped me up in my snug white jacket while I was out cold. Bless their cotton socks, they’re so thoughtful! I suspected that I must have bumped my head at some point in between eating candy and waking up in my favorite room (the one with the nice warm quilting on the walls– so soft!) but when I asked the doctor about it he became evasive and tried to get me to eat more candy and when I said I wasn’t hungry just now, thank you, he tried to make me eat it anyway, which was a pretty easy thing to do since my snug jacket was extra tight lately and I found it difficult to remove my hand from the jacket pockets (Diary, explain to me why they put pockets so far in the back of the jacket instead of on the sides where it’s more convenient? Hm? Yeah, I don’t have an answer for that one either. Remind me I must ask the doctor about the choices undertaken when fabricating these jackets, it seems like a mistake to me. …What’s that? Oh yeas, I am pleased that you agree with me Diary!) So eventually the doctor convinced me I really was hungry after all– and considering all the effort I went through to have my jaws pried apart, I think I really was a little hungry by the end of it all although why I have to take these nasty little pieces of candy instead of a nice grilled cheese sandwich I’ll never know… yeah, maybe they aren’t allowed to use the stove either– that makes sense, good thinking Diary! So the next time I woke up I was positively ravenous and really was interested in something good to eat. So I did what the local custom dictates for the protocol of summoning the waiter namely beating my head on the door of my favorite room and shouting that Satan is trying to nibble on my toes. Or so I thought… it seems that’s actually the local custom for summoning the Maitre ‘D and he wasn’t going to get the waiter for me and told me I had to sit at my table and wait for the waiter to get there. …What that? Yes, I guess that’s really why they do call it a waiter, ha ha ha! See diary, if only the Doctor understood how funny you are, then he’d really believe that you’re a real person, even if you have no legs and arms or a head. I swear that was all a big misunderstanding, it’s not like you didn’t have those things at one time, I just removed them because you didn’t appear to need them right at that moment in time. How was I to Know I’d forget them on the bus? You and me both, Diary! Oh my, this sides, full, wait a minute while I turn you over and write on the other side… There that’s better. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, it’s not like it was my fault that lady sat next to me just as we hit a bump in the road making your head spill out of my Adidas bag, and I’m sure if she had taken the time to get to know you she’d agree that you are a delightful converstationalist who– oh wait, here comes the doctor– Sure I’ll ask if he has two pieces of candy so we can bo