Category Archives: Fives

Tips For Girlfriends: Keeping the TV Remote for Yourself

In most films people fight for world domination, my life is a fight for domination of the TV, tonight I am victorious! FEAR ME!

@Twistedlilkitty

Tip #1: The Old “Rope-a-Dope”

Tempt boyfriend to set down the remote-control by dangling a video game controller in front of him. Unbeknownst to him, you smashed the video game console with a golf club so it won’t play games or even switch on anymore. While he fruitlessly attempts to make the game console turn on, hide remote control (see tip #3). Other items that you can dangle in front of boyfriend to make him let go of the remote:

  1. Bag of chips
  2. Beer
  3. A DVD of “Slapshot!”
  4. Breasts

Try to alternate these items from one night to the next so boyfriend does not get suspicious too soon.

Tip #2: If Distraction Doesn’t Work, then Really Distract Him

With remote in hand there is only one thing that will cause a man to loosen their grip on a remote: sex (well, “duh!”).

So, after shagging him senseless with a senseless shag, gently prise the remote from his hand (I know he didn’t let go of it during, really we’re sorry about that but when you catch us by surprise….). If boyfriend still has his wits about him, attempt conversation to ensure he passes out cold before attempting a second time to remove the remote.

Tip #3: Hide the Remote for Later Use

Try putting the remote somewhere the boyfriend would normally never go near. A few good spots are:

  1. Next to a sink full of dirty dishes
  2. Behind the Smirnoff Ice
  3. The passenger seat of any car he might drive
  4. Directly on top of the washing machine

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

This article guarantees you access to The Good Wife, reruns of Gilmore Girls, that annoying movie with Julia Roberts and that other guy, or whatever other crap you like to watch, but why should I be doing this? Well, only once you have the remote for yourself can you possibly understand the awesome power and responsibility that we boyfriends try to shield from you every night. Heavy hangs the hand that carries the television remote. With a little first-hand experience I’m sure you will agree that your boyfriend must be King-of-the-Remote EVERY NIGHT FROM NOW ON.


The Five Stages of Glasses

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation

Glasses? I don’t need glasses! … Glasses are for old people! I’m not old… I’m not. You’re older than me, by three weeks, so where are your glasses, huh?

Stage 2: Anger

This is all… your… fault! I wanted to get the widescreen TV but nooooo! And I’ve been squinting at that tiny 30-inch standard TV ever since. No wonder the eye-doctor thinks I need glasses.

Stage 3: Bargaining

What if I move the couch further away from the TV? All we got to do is knock out this wall, it was always in the way and… no, I’m sure it’s not a load-bearing wall but we can risk it, can’t we? What do we pay insurance premiums for?

Stage 4: Depression

Look at me. I’m old…. Hey, turn that down! You call that music? …To hell with the glasses, I might as well get bifocals and a hearing-aid because that’s what all old people wear… where’s my cardigan?

Stage 5: Acceptance

Hm. John Lennon wore specs all the time and he was in his twenties. I should get some of those Lennon specs… I would look so… awesome wearing Lennon specs while playing acoustic guitar for our friends! Honey? Where’s my guitar? …Well which one is it? The garage or the attic? Never mind, I’m going to go get some John Lennon specs! …what do you mean they’re “old ladies'” glasses?


Five Mantras for the Amateur Writer

Left is Right is Left is UpI am not a professional, or even a proficient writer, but I am taking a moment to repeat a few things I learn, forget, then learn all over again… daily. Consider the headings below as mantras for the amateur writer.

Less is More

Sometimes you don’t have to describe everything in full, excruciating detail. Leave some of the work up to the reader.

It’s not about you, even when it is about you

Want to know just how boring you are? Go look at your writing, and count the personal pronouns. Nothing bores people like seeing/hearing “I … I … Me … I … Me Me Me!” Try rephrasing some of your sentences them without the personal pronouns.

Opinions: nobody’s asking

Opinions are like sandwiches: if somebody threw it at your head, would you appreciate the free sandwich? Same goes for opinions that pop into your blog feed posing as “analysis” or “discussion” or “facts”. Everybody can make their own sandwich anytime they want, they don’t need yours too.

Everybody likes their own cooking

Of course you like your writing. It’s a touching masterpiece eloquently phrased and humbly presented to worthy readers. What would a reader say about it, especially if they had never read anything by you ever before? If your stories/blogs/books are your children, then learn to look at it without a “parental eye”*.

Why aren’t you writing?

Experts agree, the number one cause of “no writing” is to not write. So close the browser, sharpen your pencil and open a fresh page in your notebook and get going!

* I once read that Stephen King, upon finishing a novel, puts a printed copy in a shoebox and stashes it under the bed for six months so he can read it as if he never wrote it.